A Hilarious Story That Outlines What It Would Be like If Doctors Participated in April Fools’ Day
医生参加愚人节会是什么样子？这个故事很逗逼
Getting medical treatment is never fun, except on April 1.
去医院治疗从来都不好玩，唯独4月1日除外。
Dr. #1: You wanted to see me, sir?
医生1：先生，你想见我吗？
Dr. #2: Yes, Dr. Metzger. I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news. I’ve been receiving complaints from your patients, and I’ve decided I can’t allow you to make April Fools’ jokes this year.
医生2：是的，梅茨格医生。恐怕我有坏消息。我一直收到你这边病人的投诉，我决定今年不能让你开愚人节的玩笑。
Dr. #1: Oh my God.
医生1：哦，我的天哪。
Dr. #2: I know you’re disappointed, but my mind is made up.
医生2：我知道你很失望，但我已经下定决心了。
Dr. #1: What about the one where I tell the patient I’m out of anesthetic?
医生1：这个玩笑怎样？我跟病人说麻醉药用完了？
Dr. #2: No.
医生2：不行。
Dr. #1: What about the one where I put on a janitor’s outfit, grab a scalpel, and walk into the operating room just as my patient loses consciousness? So he thinks he’s about to be operated on by a janitor?
医生1：这个怎样？我穿了看门人的衣服，拿着手术刀，走进一个失去知觉病人的手术室？有没有人认为给病人动手术的是个看门人？
Dr. #2: No.
医生2：不行。
Dr. #1: What about the one where the patient wakes up after his operation and I start shouting, “Where’s my stethoscope? Where did I leave my stethoscope?” And then I stare at the patient’s torso with a look of horror, like I maybe left it inside his body?
医生1：还有这个！术后病人醒转后，听见我大叫大嚷：“我的听诊器在哪？我的听诊器搁哪儿了？”接着我一脸惊恐地看着病人的身体，好像把它留在那个地方了？
Dr. #2: No.
医生2：不行。
Dr. #1: You can’t do this to me! April Fools’ Day is the highlight of my year. It’s the only reason I finished medical school—to experience the holiday as a doctor.
医生1：你不能这样对我！愚人节是我一年中最重要的一天。这是让我完成医学院学业的唯一原因 – 以医生的身份过愚人节。
Dr. #2: I’m sorry, Sam, but my hands are tied.
医生2：对不起，山姆，但我无能为力。
Dr. #1: What about the one where the patient wakes up and I’m wearing a robot costume, so he thinks he’s been in a coma for 80 years? And I’m like, “Welcome to the future, Mr. Greenbaum. The world you remember is gone.” You know, in a robot voice. So he thinks I’m a robot.
医生1：还有这个！病人醒来时，我穿着机器人服装，让他认为自己已经昏迷了80年了，然后我说：“欢迎来到未来，格林鲍姆先生。你记忆中的世界已经消失了。” 你知道，我用机器人的声音。所以他认为我就是个机器人。
Dr. #2: I get it. The answer is still no.
医生2：明白了，但我的回答还是不行。
Dr. #1: How can you be so cruel? I mean, for God’s sake, what happened to the Hippocratic oath?
医生1：你怎么可以这么残忍？我是说，看在上帝的份上，《希波克拉底誓言》到底怎么了？
注：《希波克拉底誓言》是希腊医学家希波克拉底，约公元前460一前377年，向医学界发出的行业道德倡仪书，是从医人员入学第一课要学的重要内容。
Dr. #2: “First do no harm”?
医生2：“首先不能有伤害”？
Dr. #1: That’s how it goes?
医生1：那就不能有伤害的是吧？
Dr. #2: Yes.
医生2：对。
Dr. #1: You sure it wasn’t something about April Fools’?
医生1：你确定这跟愚人节没有半毛钱的关系？
Dr. #2: Yes.
医生2：对。
Dr. #1: What about the one where I tell the patient his kidney operation was a grand success, but then, while I’m talking to him, I have an intern come in and say, “Dr. Metzger, you’ve got some dirt on your left shoulder”? And I start to brush my right shoulder. And the intern’s like, “No, your left shoulder.” And I’m like, “This is my left shoulder.” And he’s like, “No, it’s your right shoulder. What’s the matter with you, Dr. Metzger? Don’t you know your left from your right?” And then we both look at the patient’s torso with a look of horror, to imply, like …
医生1：那么还有！我告诉病人他的肾手术非常成功，正与他谈话时，有个实习生进来说：“梅茨格医生，你的左肩上有灰尘吗？”于是我开始拍我的右肩。实习生说：“不对，是你的左肩。” 我说：“这是我的左肩。”他说：“不，这是你的右肩。你怎么了，梅茨格医生？你分不清左右么？”然后我们都带着恐惧的表情看着病人的躯干，暗示着，就像……
Dr. #2: I know where you’re going with this.
医生2：我知道你的出发点什么。
Dr. #1: … to imply, like, maybe I operated on the wrong kidney? Like, maybe I did the left one instead of the right one because I don’t know the difference between my—
医生1：……暗示，也许我的肾手术做错了？比如说，也许我做了左边的而不是右边的，因为我分不清我的……
Dr. #2: No.
医生2：不行。
Dr. #1: At least let me workshop it!
医生1：至少让我来练习一下！
Dr. #2: I’m sorry, Sam, but my decision is final.
医生2：对不起，山姆，但我的决定不可改变。
Dr. #1: (Pause)
医生1：（停顿）
Dr. #2: April fool!
医生2：愚人节玩笑！
Dr. #1: No way!
医生1：才不干呢！
Dr. #2: I can’t believe you bought that!
医生2：真不敢相信你居然信以为真！
Dr. #1: Man, you got me good! Guess that’s why you’re the head of surgery.
医生1：伙计，你让我感觉爆棚！猜想这就是你能做外科主任的原因吧。
Dr. #2: Pass me my robot mask. It’s time to make the rounds.
医生2：把我的那个机器人面具递给我。查房的时间到了。
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[英语原文摘自：Simon Rich, Reader’s Digest]
[封面图片来源：Istvan Banyai for Reader’s Digest]
