冯巩，1957年出生于天津市，中国著名的相声演员和影视演员。
Born in 1957, Feng Gong is a Tianjin native and famous movie actor and crosstalk comedian in China.
他是春晚这块“馅饼”一掉就掉了28年的幸运人。看似其貌不扬，但他的幽默却让观众回味无穷。如果想要找一位好儿子、好丈夫、好爸爸、家庭事务大配角，那就非冯巩莫属。
He is a lucky person whose head was hit by a free 'pie' 28 years ago when he had his debut at Chunwan (CCTV's Spring Festival Gala) and this 'pie' has been with him ever since. His humors are sharp and thought-provoking, leaving his handsomeness far behind. If you are looking for a filial son, a loyal husband, a good father and the best supporting actor in the family, he is the one!
就让我们来回顾一下他的妙语如珠吧 … …
All right, let's take a look at his paradoxical punchlines…
姑娘们啊！哪有那么多白马啊！找个驴凑合得了，别等到有一天驴都被抢没了，剩一堆骡子… …
Hey girls! There aren’t so many white horses. Just make do with donkeys. Don’t wait until donkeys are grabbed by others, you only have a pack of mules to choose …
所谓美女，三分长相七分打扮；所谓气质，三分才气七分装蒜；所谓温柔，三分忍让七分压抑。
Beautiful girls are made by 30% natural looks and 70% makeups; their temperance, 30% talents, 70% pretensions; and their tenderness, 30% tolerance, 70% self-control.
下辈子要做筷子，就不孤单了！
How I wish I can be chopsticks in my next life, so I won’t be alone!
你的话，我连标点符号都不信。
I don’t trust your words, not even punctuations.
我爸说过的最让我感到的一句话：“孩子，好好学习吧，爸以前玩麻将都玩儿10块的，现在为了供你念书，改玩儿1块的了。”
The most touching words that my dad has ever said is “Hey son, study well! I used to play 10 kuai for a round of Majiang, now only one kuai, just for your schooling.”
低调！才是最牛B的炫耀！！
Lay low, if you wish to be boastful!
不吃饱哪有力气减肥啊？！
If I don’t eat enough food, how could I have the strength to reduce weight?!
我能抵抗一切，除了诱惑。
I can resist everything except temptation.
你人又不聪明，还学别人秃顶。
You’re not smart, but still chose to have a bald pate.
活着的时候要开心点，因为我们要死很久。
Be happy when we’re alive, because death is still far away from us.
最有魅力的人是“康师傅”，天天都有成千上万的人泡他。
The most charming person is ‘Kang Shifu’ (an instant noodle brand, literally a master named Kang). Thousands of people would like to cook him up every day.
想你想得饭都吃不下，真实太恶心了！
I miss you so much that I don’t even have the appetite to eat. This is really sick!
其实我以前个子挺高的，只不过后来经常洗澡缩水了而已。
Actually I was taller before. It’s just because I took bath more often and got shrunk.
如果你看到面前的阴影，别怕，那是因为你的背后有阳光！
If you see a shadow ahead of you, don’t be afraid, because at your back, there is sunshine!
我允许你走进我的世界，但绝不允许你在我的世界里走来走去！
I allowed you to walk into my world, but it doesn’t mean you can walk around in my world!
一分钟有多长？这要看你是蹲在厕所里面，还是等在厕所外面… …
How long is one minute? Well, it depends on whether you are in the toilet or still waiting outside …
铁公鸡还会留点铁锈呢，你根本就是个不锈钢公鸡！
Even the iron cock (figurative description of the skinflint whose feathers are no way to be plucked) will leave some rusts, you are utterly a stainless steel cock!
陪我一起数星星吧，你智商低，你就数月亮吧！
Just be with me and count the stars. But your IQ is low, so you count the moon!
我太佩服自己了，有时候照镜子的时候都给自己磕头。
I do admire myself. Sometimes when I look into the mirror, I can’t help but to kowtow to myself!
为什么我一直感觉不幸福，难道当幸福来敲门的时候，我不在家？
Why I always feel unhappy? Could it be that when happiness was knocking at my door, I was not at home?
干掉熊猫，我就是国宝！
Kill the panda, and I will be the national treasure!
别和我谈理想，戒了！
Never talk to me about dreams, I dumped them all!
我这人从不记仇，一般有仇当场我就报了。
I am not revengeful. Normally if I had some, I must have paid them back on the spot.
没什么事不要找我，有事更不用找我！
Don’t look for me if you don’t have anything urgent, much less you do have some!
我那么喜欢你，你喜欢我一下会死啊？
I like you so much. You’re not gonna die to return your like a little bit.
我又不是人民币，怎么能让人人都喜欢我？
I am not Renminbi, how could I except everyone likes me?
男人的话就像老太太的牙齿，有多少是真的？
Man’s words are like old woman’s teeth, how many are real?
诸葛亮出山前，也没带过兵！凭啥我就要工作经验？
Before Zhuge Liang (a famous mastermind of Shu Kingdom in the Three Kingdom Period 220-280) took office, he had never led any troops, so why should you require me to have work experience?
珍惜生活 – 上帝还让你活着，就肯定有他的安排。
Enjoy your life – God still allow you to live, he must have his reasons.
你永远看不到我最寂寞的时候，因为在看不到你的时候就是我最寂寞的时候！
You will never be able to see the moment when I feel the loneliest, because that’s the moment when you’re not with me.
铁饭碗的真实含义不是在一个地方吃一辈子饭，而是一辈子到哪儿都有饭吃。
The real meaning of ‘Iron Rice Bowl’ (figuratively meaning ‘a lifelong job’) is not getting your rice in one place, but getting it wherever you go.
此处不留爷，自有留爷处。处处不留爷，爷回家做家务。
If you don’t keep me here, someone else will do. If no one else, I still have housework to do.
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[封面图像来源：百度]
