From a father and educator’s perspective, Leonard Stanley is here to give you some advice – whether it’s questions about school, your teenager, family life, expat life or if you just need a dad’s point of view. In Advice from Dad, he answers your tough questions and gets a parent’s perspective.
Children are undoubtedly the world's most wonderful gift. However, what can parents do when there is more than one of them, and they cannot seem to get along with each other? This is the current situation in my house. My children are three years apart and have recently hit another growth milestone.
Unfortunately, they have moved on from the 'older brother embracing the role of caring for his younger brother, and younger brother adoring his big brother' phase. So, these days no matter what happens, they are always on each other's nerves. Similarly, my wife and I feel like we are transitioning too. We've moved from doting parents who enjoy the company of their lovely children into the police officer/judge/lawyer phase where we are consistently litigating one petty offense or another, as though we are in a small claims civil court.
This situation in our household inspired me to research sibling rivalry and share what I learned.
Sibling rivalry is defined as the jealousy, competition and fighting between brothers and sisters. Almost every parent of two or more children will deal with this at some point or another. As a matter of fact, as the oldest of three, I can hear my parents laughing somewhere off in the distance as I write these words. So, what can we do about it? As with every problem we seek to solve, we must first understand the root of the issue.
Researchers suggest that sibling rivalry can start before the second child is born, as the older child slowly senses they are no longer the center of attention. Primarily, this feeling is not about the new baby, but rather the change in the attention received from parents. Think about it from the perspective of a baby, who is used to being the center of attention their entire life, as brief as that may be. All of a sudden, they are expected to share the affection of the two most important people in their life. Toddlers, while possessing many endearing qualities, are not the most rational beings on the planet and this adjustment is not usually an easy one. In addition to sharing mommy and daddy, older siblings must also share their toys and living space with the invading newcomer.
However, sharing is just one element of the sibling rivalry equation. In addition to learning how to cope with this new emotion of jealousy, they can become anxious when trying to figure out the world around them. Kids have a clear concept of fairness, with a strong sense of what they believe is right or wrong. If they feel unequal treatment, they will get upset. They are not capable of understanding that newborns need more attention. This can garner a feeling of preferential treatment, planting the seed of resentment that can one day grow into a fullblown rivalry tree.
So, what do we do to solve this problem? Here are my four strategies on how we can be mindful when managing the minefield that is sibling rivalry.
1. Role model positive problem-solving behavior. If siblings see their parents solving disputes sanely and productively, they are more likely to mimic that behavior when dealing with each other.
2. Take a step back. We need to try and stay out of it, mind our own business as much as possible, so long as the children are not physically hurting one another. We may do more harm than good by inserting ourselves into the dispute, hindering their ability to learn how to resolve issues on their own.
3. Refrain from comparing our children to each other. We need to remind ourselves to appreciate the differences in our children and celebrate their unique accomplishments.
4. Reinforce the idea that fair is not equal. Explain the decisions we make in a way that makes sense to the children. They may not always be aware that different situations, involving different people, require different approaches.
If we do all of this, I can guarantee with approximately 15 percent certainty that our kids will never fight again. Good luck!
[Images via Pexels]
Leonard Stanley was born and raised in Washington D.C., and has lived in Shanghai since 2009 with his wife and two young children Kyle (12) and Christopher (8). Leonard teaches Theory of Knowledge as well as Language & Literature at the Western International School of Shanghai.
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