‘Mum what’s panda porn?’ my 7.5-year-old asked matter-of-factly as I choked into my ginger tea. To give this intriguing question context, we were sitting at a café in the Giant Panda Research Breeding Base in Chengdu watching a video about well, how pandas are bred.
Given they are an endangered species and all. Let it be said that I don’t intentionally expose my daughter to inappropriate viewing material and most certainly didn’t expect that to be her takeaway from watching this informative video whilst we had a tea break. After a lovely morning of ‘oohing’ and ‘ahhing’ at cuddly pandas, why not focus on the cute babies being born in the video (which incidentally, aren’t that cute, but resemble pink slimy rats) or the tons of bamboo pandas seem to consume a day? Why that?
I have to admit, in addition to learning that baby pandas are not cute, panda porn was a new notion for me. Who knew there was such a thing? Seems our Chengdu field trip was educational not just for the kids.
So I explained that panda porn was pandas having sex. It was her turn to choke. ‘Ewwwww’ she proclaimed ‘why does watching that make them have babies?’ Awk-ward. I wanted to say ‘How’m I supposed to know, I'm not a panda’ but of course that would be misleading because I did actually know. ‘I’ll tell you when you’re eight’ I mumbled into my tea.
That was my grand plan anyway, to explain the mysteries of the universe including where babies come from when she’s eight. It’s our magic number, because that’s when I learned about the birds and the bees (seems panda porn wasn’t around way back when) and I wasn’t traumatized. Hence I figured that’s the age.
Of course she immediately started negotiating for seven-and-a-half years old, aka now, at this moment, in this café. I looked over at her sipping her apple juice with stuffed panda cuddly toys sitting on either side of her (café decorations). The moment didn't seem right. Our two-year-old was blissfully asleep, my husband was not feeling great and almost asleep, and all I wanted to do was to enjoy my cup of tea and not talk about panda porn. My eyes glazed over. ‘Honey do you want ice-cream?’ I asked. Her eyes beamed and she nodded eagerly as I handed over some money. Phew. Crisis averted through the age-old trick of distraction. Glad to know that still works on these seeming-older-than-they-are kids.
The incident, along with another one earlier this year (the “F” word) made me wonder if we were leaving the ‘sex talk’ till too late. Is eight, late? Given what kids are surrounded with these days? Ok, granted, panda porn is an anomaly to trigger the conversation and I certainly didn’t want that to be the association but how do you know when its ‘time’? Does it happen naturally or do you have a serious conversation like I was planning to? Would that be too contrived?
I have no idea, but perhaps the pandas are teaching me something - that I’m just going to have to play by ear and not plan everything (like I did on this for this very informative panda field trip). I’ll probably need to go with the flow and assess if the moment is right, on the spot, like in the café. I’ll just have to rely on my instincts, basically. You know, kinda like the pandas do.
