From a father and educator’s perspective, Leonard Stanley is here to give you some advice – whether it’s questions about school, your teenager, family life, expat life or if you just need a dad’s point of view. In Advice from Dad, he answers your tough questions and gets a parent’s perspective.
My child is at that age where he or she no longer confides in me the way he or she used to. How can I be sure that he or she continues to make good decisions without invading his or her privacy?
The social development of teenage children can seem like a mystery to most parents. As an educator most of the non-academic questions I receive from parents deal with how their child is developing socially. If you think about it, children spend a majority of their day at school with their peers, and as they get older they share less with their parents about what goes on outside the house. Even those of us fortunate to work in the same building where our children are educated have to deal with this sudden reluctance to communicate. My own child has gone from seeing me as a source of endless information and good advice to that old dude who is always asking him about his feelings and how his day was. He used to offer up information that I now almost exclusively receive second-hand from my number one informant – his younger brother.
So what is a concerned parent to do? The first and most important thing is to let your child know you support them and love them no matter what decisions they make. They need to understand that you have their best interest at heart. Next, they need to have at least one trusted adult they know they can talk to. That person should be someone who you also respect and trust.
Another important concept for them to grasp is that their friends are oftentimes as clueless as they are and are not to be considered reliable sources of information and advice. It is for that reason that you should keep speaking to them! Be the adult in the situation. I have had parents in the past tell me that their child stopped talking to them so they quit trying to communicate too. Not Cool! You have to reaffirm what you have been teaching them throughout the years and even when it seems like they aren’t listening, you have to trust that they actually do hear you. Believe that they are the same good-natured, responsible young person you have been raising all these years and that when it comes time to make a tough decision they will remember the values you have instilled in them.
When they make mistakes (which they will), reassure them that your love is unconditional and that no matter what they can come and talk to you without fear of being judged or punished for what they say. They need to feel that even if you don't agree with the decision they made, you understand them and remember what it was like to be a young adult.
Their push for privacy could be contributed to a number of things from the major to the mundane, but is most likely not triggered by anything that you did directly. They are simply at the point in their lives where the opinions of their peers matter more to them than that of their parents and it doesn’t mean that they love you any less. They know you love them, and although it may seem like a harsh thing to say, they take that for granted. They care much more about fitting in and in order to do that they need the acceptance of those in their social circle – which you are not a part of.
One thing you cannot do is to invade their privacy and destroy their trust. Although it may be difficult, this is when you must not only have faith in your parenting skills but also your child. There are no foolproof ways to get them to confide in you more, but there are ways you can damage your relationship and get them to actually confide in you less. You have taken the time to raise a mature young adult and now it is time to let them be just that.
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